


Boneless Pizza

by orphan_account



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: But traumatic enough that I'm tagging, Comedy, Fluff, Horror, Humor, In the Beginning, M/M, Not Really Character Death, Pizza, Some angst, comedic horror, pyrrhic comedy, smut in the second chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 06:10:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11374191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It's high noon and only two people would be cuddling together, playing beneath the sheets as the rest of the city bustles. It's their day off and today is such a lazy day that Viktor decides to order some take out so he can cuddle his honey bun longer.The sun hung lazily in the partly cloudy sky like a one-eyed giant; casting a glowing haze over the city. By now, the morning fog had cleared up, yet two people were still giggling like children playing tag as they tried to melt their bones beneath a fluffy duvet.“Alright my hungry little monster I guess we’ll be stocking on carbs today, because I love you and cannot deny you anything.”





	Boneless Pizza

**Author's Note:**

> Please heed the tags

               It was just past noon and the air was buzzing with an unusual warm quiet. A worn blanket stolen from the dryer. The sun hung lazily in the partly cloudy sky like a one-eyed giant; casting a glowing haze over the city. By now, the morning fog had cleared up, yet two people were still giggling like children playing tag as they tried to melt their bones beneath a fluffy duvet. It would have been sweltering but, they always left the air conditioner on 68 because they didn’t want to suffer the ill wills of climate change, and being cold meant they had an excuse to huddle together for longer.

               Yuuri made a pleased sound in the back of his throat despite himself as Viktor massaged his tight ass and pulled him in tighter so Yuuri couldn't complete his move to pull away. “Viktooor,” he complained, voice higher than usual with an airy playfulness, “Stoooop, I’m hungry.” They had only gotten up once all day and it was only to freshen up a bit and have some breakfast cereal. Real food was long overdue. “I wish I could stay in bed with you all day, but I need to get something to eat. You do too.” He said, despite snuggling closer to that toasty warmth anyways.

               “Yuuuuuuriiiii,” Viktor mocked as Yuuri pouted cutely into his chest, “Stooop, I don’t wanna get up! Can we just order something instead?” He pulled Yuuri up by the armpits like a preschooler lifting a cat so their heads were level. Viktor hummed, murmuring lowly into Yuuri’s ear canal. “It’s our day off… We could just stay in here all day and mmmm… do something else? Maybe relax a little…” He began to nibble and lick at the shell of Yuuri’s exposed ear. Yuuri shuddered, closing his eyes at the wet sounds and the slimy feel as Viktor tongue his ear.

               “Ah… Viktor…!” Yuuri gasped. The feeling of teeth on the edge of his lobe. “Ok, ok, We can stay in but you have to stop.” And Viktor did stop, giving Yuuri’s ear a big, sloppy apologetic kiss that had him squirming. “That’s gross, I think you got saliva in my ear…” he whined, feeling like Poseidon just had his fishy way with his ear hole.

               “Glad that you are seeing things my way. But I can’t believe you would call a gift from your husband gross, how cold.” Viktor said, pretending to be offended.

               “You’ll be out in the cold in a second if you don’t order something for me to eat soon.” Yuuri fired back, sharp as a knife. Viktor’s eyes widened in mute shock, what had happened to his sweet Yuuri and who was this snapping turtle he’d been cuddling all morning?

               “I can’t believe my sweet Yuuri is threatening me now.” Viktor said tearfully while looking up at the ceiling for answers. Yuuri just smiled, satisfied with his wittiness as he hugged onto Viktor’s outstretched arm like a baby koala. “Alright, my ravenous little pork bowl, what do you want to eat? I’ll order.”

               “Pizza!” Yuuri sang, a sparkle in his eyes. “From that place that we liked where they put a lot of sauce and cheese on it. What was it called?” Yuuri snapped his fingers a few times, closing his eyes as he tried to remember. “The Crispino Twin’s Pizza!” Yuuri blurted out, excitedly. “They’ll put anything on it, we should order from them.”

               “I’ll never cease being amazed at how you can keep in shape with the diet you eat.” Viktor counted on his fingertipe. “1, 2, 3… you know what’s crazy? This is the third time we’ve gotten pizza this week; eat any more and you’ll become a pizza.” Viktor said, shaking his head. “Alright my dear pizza monster I guess we’ll be stocking on carbs today, because I love you and cannot deny you anything.”

               A few seconds of fumbling around for phones and ripping apart the bed sheets in a frantic search—‘Yuuri, you’re sitting on it!’—and they were finally ready to order. The phone rang about three times before it was picked up.

               “Crispino Twin’s Pizza, you’re talking to Michele. Can I take your order?” said Michele from Crispino Twin’s Pizza. The line was silent for a moment as Viktor began to smile with mischief. When Yuuri saw the face he was making he gave him a warning look before shaking his head. _Viktor, Don’t!_ Viktor smiled harder, undeterred. _Viktor DO._

               “Hello?” Michele asked. “Can I take your order?” he repeated.

               “Hello and yes, of course you can take my order.” Said Viktor, making his voice deeper. Yuuri felt the beginnings of a headache coming on, prank calls were supposed to have died in the days of early Youtube. “Yes, so um can I get uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…” Yuuri was cringing now, already embarrassed by Viktor’s idiocy. Unrelenting like the Saharan sun, he was still going. “UUUUhhhhhhhhhhh BONELESS PIZZA?” Viktor finally finished, already on the brink of laughter, what a fucking dork. Yuuri couldn’t believe he was married to this goober, this absolute peanut.

               The other line was silent as a man who had known the ins and out of pizza for all his living years was confronted by something that even the most Italian of men could not fathom. Maybe the customer was confused. “… I’m sorry, you want a what now?” he said giving his customer the benefit of the doubt.

               “Viktor, stop harassing the pizza guy.” Yuuri sighed, but Viktor was anything but a quitter. He’d start the shit and he’d end the shit when it was ready.

               “I want a pizza,” Viktor declared, voice deep. “I would like one, extra-large, extra cheesy, extra saucy, deep dish pizza. It’s gotta be thick, emphasis on the THICC, like my husband’s muscular athlete thighs with pepperonis the size of my massive, meaty nipples.”

               Viktor put his free arm up in defense as Yuuri tried to reach for the phone. “Viktor, stop! I really like that place and I’M HUNGRY!” he complained loudly as he was being stiff armed.

               “And make that shit BONELESS.” Viktor emphasized as Yuuri groaned. “Can’t have my husband choking on any stray bones because I love him so much.” One could hear the heart emojis in his voice. In the kissy noises traveling through the phone lines.

               Michele was far too underpaid to deal with this so early in the morning. He hated being on phone duty ‘cause he always got wet turds like these holding his line. He didn’t even want to honor this man with an answer. Remembering his intensive reading training from when he failed the standardized English test during secondary school, he took a deep breath.

 Ignore the superfluous information and extrapolate, Michele. Thick just mean thick crust, ignore the uncalled for thigh comparison. Ignore the nipples, just make the pepperonis massive and meaty. Look up average nipple diameter in your neighborhood if you have to. He scribbled down the order on his notepad. Now, there was only one thing that he had to avoid. “Ok, so an extra-large, extra cheese, extra sauce, thick crust deep dish pizza with pepperoni?” he parroted, ignoring the part about bones. “Will that be all for you today? Any drinks? Our famous 2-liter coke machine is back in order.”

               “Yes that’s right. That’ll be all and make sure it’s BONELESS.” Viktor stressed the last word. “BONELESS, please, no bones.”

               Fuck, this guy was a real piece of work. “Pizza doesn’t have any bones in it already. Will that be all?” Michele asked, polite as he could with his climbing blood pressure.

               “Yeah, I know, didn’t I just say that?” Viktor said, more snappy than he meant. Yuuri had given up, just shaking his head at him in mass exasperation. It was just past noon and Yuuri was already spent, trying and failing to control his husband’s foolery. Even Yuuri could hear the pizza guy begin to get frustrated despite probably having a long history of dealing with this customer service garbage.

 

               “You said that you wanted a fuc-“ Michele screamed internally as his sister shot him ‘the look’. The no cursing policy was fucking shit. Fucking him in the ass bull shit. He took a deep breath. “You said you wanted a boneless pizza. What kind of pizza are you trying to avoid? What kind of freaking pizza has bones in it?” OH, he wanted to fucking rage, he wasn’t making no fucking _boneless pizza_ for this fucking BONEHEAD DIPSHIT.

               “Just don’t put any gosh darn bones in my pizza!” Viktor ordered, holding back tears. What was this absolute genius, he was so emotional right now. Yuuri was giving him the worst look, but he let out a small giggle like bells chiming. Little silver Christmas bells chiming. Soothing souls and breaking hearts. Everything was worth it now.

               “PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME, HOW THE F-” Sara was giving him the LOOK again. She didn’t understand! She couldn’t hear what this dick for brains, ASSHEAD was saying right now! He wanted to throw himself into the wood fire oven because it looked so convenient right now. Death and disposal all in one fucking BOGO him on his death bed he hated retail price anyways.

 

 He tried again, although he wasn’t able to get the heat out of his voice.  “HOW IS A PIZZA BONELESS?” He wanted to scream louder than that, a vein forming on his forehead. A huge pulsating vein. How does a man in his prime get head veins? He had to get out of this hellhole.

               Viktor had to cover his mouth because he was absolutely losing it. A few tears had escaped down his face and were now resting in peace. His tits were their graveyard. Yuuri had even heard the static sounds of the irate Italian and was trying his hardest not to laugh. He put his hands over his stomach as his body was wracked with shudders from repressed laughter.

               “Umm,” Viktor started as soon as he calmed himself down. “If it doesn’t have any bones init, it’s BONELESS.” He cackled at the end, he couldn’t take it anymore.

               Michele was unamused, his face redder than salami. When he came to, he had slammed down the phone and was staring into space, the look of a man who has faced death marring his normally handsome face. He looked down and saw that he had somehow written down the address of delivery and a phone number. If that man thought he was getting a boneless pizza, he had another thing coming.

               “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe you did that, bad Viktor!” Yuuri chastised, still giggling. He smacked the arm that Viktor was holding up towards him. He deserved at least that much.

               “Aaah!” Viktor moaned like a dungeon porn actor, squeezing his just barely reddening arm. “Was that supposed to be a punishment? You know I love it when you discipline me.” Viktor’s face turned lecherous as more and more exaggerated moans came out. “Please Yuuri! Use me! Abuse me!”

               Yuuri crinked his nose, whapping his ridiculous husband on the arm again. “I’m too hungry to be nasty with you right now, maybe later after we eat.” Yuuri kept talking over  Viktor who was spewing more nonsense like _you can have me as a snack! Bagel bite my ass!_ He really didn’t quit, did he? “So how long until the pizza is here?”

               “About 20-30 minutes.” Viktor said before getting up and stretching. “I’m gonna go take a quick shower first,” he said, sauntering towards the bathroom. He walked so his butt cheeks moved as much as possible like two huge lumps of mozzarella cheese being lifted one after the other.

              UP, down, UP, down, UP, down. Yuuri’s eyes stared after it in amusement, his pupils sliding with the mesmerizing butt flow. “You’re welcome to join me~” Viktor teased, throwing his head back to wink at Yuuri once he got halfway through the bathroom door.

              Yuuri laughed. Was that supposed to seduce him? It probably would any other day but he couldn’t think of anything but eating right now. Hunger was powerful after all, didn’t feel like boning  “That’s a very enticing offer but I think I’ll wait here in case the pizza guy comes by.”

              “You mean you don’t want to greet the delivery guy in just a towel? Suit yourself.”

              Yuuri smiled as he heard the sweet, slightly tone-deaf voice of his husband singing some catchy melody in the shower. He busied himself with social media before the hunger pains began to claw at the lining of his stomach—forcing himself out of bed in search of something to tide him over. He went to the kitchen closet to see if there was anything to eat before something was ringing at his doorbell

Ring

Ding

Dong

Ring.

Ding.

Dong.

              Oh! The pizza guy was probably here. His stomach was killing him so this was just perfect timing. It hadn’t felt like 20 minutes had passed but Yuuri wasn’t about to complain. He ran through the house, grabbing his wallet from the bedroom before sprinting to the door, ready to accept the long-awaited meal.

              When he opened the door, he couldn’t help but salivate at the smell. The heat from the fresh pizza blew the scent of Italian herbs, melty cheese, fluffy bread, and spiced meat into his nostrils. “Wow that was quick! How much will that be?” He fished open his wallet as he waited for the price.

              “It’s going to be 15.88.” Said the pizza delivery as he pulled the beak of his hat so it covered more of his face. Yuuri found it cute that he was so shy until he realized he was still shirtless. He pulled out a twenty before immediately going to hide his exposed chest with one arm. How embarrassing! “Please keep the change.”

              “Thank you.” Said the delivery boy as he pocketed the money. “Before I go, would you like to check the box to see if we got your order right. It was a bit confusing over the phone…” he trailed off.

              “Oh sorry if my husband bothered you!” Yuuri said feeling remorse for laughing earlier. He hugged his chest tighter as he made a sheepish face. “Don’t worry about the order, I’ll make him eat it”

              Yuuri reached for the pizza but it was jerked back. A bit shocked, Yuuri reached for it again only for it to pulled out of reach once more.

              “No, no” said the pizza guy, “I insist you have a look at it. We’re not too far away so we can fix it if it’s wrong.” He said, almost commanding.

              Yuuri frowned a little, feeling this strange feeling of unease as he leaned forward to peer at the pizza. It was like looking down at the sea from a widow’s peak. The pizza guy was supporting the pizza with one hand and lifting the lid with the other to reveal… one perfectly baked deep dish pepperoni pizza. The steam fogged the edges of Yuuri’s glasses. His stomach grumbled, praising the delicious sight.

              “Wow!” he said, full of so much happiness he was almost on his toes as he smelled the pizza. “That looks amazing, thank-“ But he was cut off. Yuuri couldn’t finish his sentence. In the next moment the pizza was rushing up at his face like a huge cheesy monster hungry for blood.

              The hot tomato sauce burning the flesh on his face like boiling oil. He couldn’t even scream as the avalanche of sauce and gobs of cheese invaded his lungs and stole his breath. He struggled to get the box off his face, only panicking more as it stayed clamped on his upper torso. On memory alone, he tried to run back into the house to warn Viktor. _Viktor! VIKTOR, HELP ME, IT HURTS!_ He wanted to scream. His tears and the red hot sauce burned his eyes.

   I DON’T WANT TO DIE.

              His ears were ringing with his will to survive.

 

 

_I DON’T WANT TO DIE._

              He didn’t make it very far. Traveling a total of maybe ten winding feet before the pizza box clamped down like a bear trap, cracking his spine and ending his life prematurely. Yuuri fell to the floor with a wet splat, some of his extremities twitching with postmortem spasms. Over the course of a few minutes the pizza box began opening and closing its murderous maw, slowly dragging the rest of Yuuri’s body in like a python trying to swallow a fawn. Although Yuuri could no longer move, he was still conscious as he was eaten alive by his own lunch and crushed into sauce. By the end, the only evidence that anything was amiss was a few smears of tomato sauce on the floor and the slightly crooked pizza box, now closed.

              Without a word, Michele closed the door and walked away. His hat hid his hideous face, twisted with the rushing pleasure of justice served hot.

              Minutes later, Viktor would step out of the shower unawares. “Yuuri, the shower’s ready.” He would say, never to get a reply. At first he would find it weird. A strange ball of wrongness settling in his gut. When he found the pizza on the floor streaked with sauce stains that ball of wrongness would start to unravel, filling his stomach. Without knowing why, his throat tightened as he picked up the pizza and put it on the table. He had been so hungry this morning and the pizza smelled amazing so why did he feel so disturbed by it?

              Instead of taking a slice he cleaned the mess on the floor before looking around his condo for his absent Yuuri. The knot in his stomach didn’t let up as he felt the strange urge to cry. Where was Yuuri? Was he playing hide and seek again?

              He paced through the house calling, “Yuuri? Where are youuuuuu? Pizza’s here... I’m gonna eat it all if you don’t come ouuuuuuuuuut!”

              He whined like a dog who lost his master. “Yuuuuuuurrrriiiiiiiii~”

**Author's Note:**

> Michele is such a goofball. Viktor asked for no bones!  
> I'm sorry  
> I woke up this morning with the first image of Yuuri being a pizza and well. It was supposed to be fluff but somehow it became a murder. Funny how that happens.  
> Life lesson: Don't order boneless pizzas. You'll lose the love of your life.


End file.
